I knew that I would not like being home as much as being at school, but never did I imagine that I would hate it this much. I’ve never really wanted to move the hell out of my house until now. I don’t know what else I have to do for my parents to understand that they can’t control me anymore. I’m a good kid and I make good decisions for the most part. Yeah, I make mistakes, but none that ruin my life. Maybe I should just drop out and get pregnant. Maybe then they’d leave me the fuck alone.
“I think missing someone is really hard. Wanting to be by their side at every moment, always thinking of them. Unable to fall asleep. It’s quite troublesome. Missing someone gives you this feeling of uncertainty, like your heart can’t be at peace, until you’re with them again.”—(via xhellokiri)
I’ve really missed, that’s for sure. I was so ready to have one of the most amazing summers, but that was before I put in some roots at school. I don’t even feel like I belong in my home anymore because I developed such a specific life there. Now I feel out of whack. I don’t feel right here. Maybe it’s the fact that my old friends have been dropping like flies or maybe it’s that I met someone who has completely thrown me off guard. I told myself I wouldn’t let it get to this, but it just crept up on me. It’s been so long since someone wasn’t afraid to tell me exactly how much they cared and wanted to be with me. I didn’t know how to handle it because it was strange territory. My walls were up from day one, but in three months you managed to break them down little by little. And so now here I am, vulnerable. A place I never wanted to go back to. And now that there’s a little distance I can feel my fears taking over. I guess this is where my walls go back up and I pull back? There’s a constant struggle in mind between letting things just be and trying to foretell our future. I just want to go back to school. Everything was comfortable there. I could spend every moment with you and not worry about anything except whether you were gonna let me sleep that night. Even writing this right now makes me a little mad because I wasn’t supposed to let it get this far. But I did and now I’m dealing with the consequences. Now instead of wanting this summer, all I want is the fall.